I had started to write a post yesterday in honor of Halloween. It was full of awesome analogies about the masks we wear and so on. But then I realized it was just me being silly and trying too hard. So, let me say something else.
I started EMDR* today. Just the resourcing, which basically means I sat there most of the time with my eyes closed imagining different things while holding something in each hand that vibrated like I was getting a text message every other second. It was one of the strangest experiences of my life. The first time I closed my eyes and the machine was turned on, my eyes started moving involuntarily back and forth. Thankfully this, I was assured, is normal. This process went for about 45 minutes and then we were done. So I guess that’s it. Here we go. I am on the road to hopefully moving past some of the trauma in my life. I suppose in many ways that has been the biggest change for me in the last 18 months. When I first started my recovery and healing journey, I didn’t really think I had much trauma. I had a “normal” childhood. But nothing really stood out as exceedingly painful. Then my eyes were opened. I began to be able to see things for what they really are. Not what I had imagined them to be. Sometimes I still struggle to accept these traumatic moments in my life. But, they still happened. So how do I deal with it? I honestly don’t know yet. But what I have learned so far, is to embrace the pain, embrace the hurt. You can’t be afraid to sit in it and allow the feelings to be there. As an enneagram 7, I don’t know if I can think of something I’d enjoy any less. That said, I am learning, and will do my best to enjoy EMDR as it hopefully unravels some of the soul tears and lies I’ve told myself for decades.
If you are struggling, reach out to someone. Someone you can trust, someone safe. Tell them what you are going through. Be honest, take off the mask, and show up. As you progress in your journey, keep leaning into the hard stuff, don’t be afraid to name your trauma, and name your pain. It’s real, and the fact that you feel that pain, means that it matters. Don’t dismiss it, or reject it. See the trauma for what it was and begin the journey to accept it.
*For those of you unsure what EMDR is, here is a great summary.